If you don't already have a coma playlist on your ipod... you need to make one. ASAP!
And by coma playlist... I mean, if you were in a coma for any period of time - what are your all time toe tapping faves? The songs you just seem can't help yourself sing away to...as you jump in on the chorus with a hairbrush or close the windows in the car as you visualize yourself as Aretha's back-up singer on the I95 rush hour commute.
I guess most people are a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) and have discussed their wishes with family members, so good for them. The rest of us Schmucks want all measures taken. I personally have a team of guard the plug people, hair, nail and make-up people as well as a living will with an attorney that states... my family cannot pull the plug.
It's not that I don't want to die or I wish to live in a much reduced capacity (well how much further could we really reduce it - at this point?). It's that I don't know what I want to happen to me afterwards...
I don't wanna be buried because the idea of decomposing ... worms... larve.. magg... ENOUGH! Just gross.
I don't want to be cremated because I don't want to be reduced to a pile of ash and I have a fear of dying in a fire...
I don't want to be buried at sea because I don't like fish touching my skin and drowning horrifies me...
I'd like to be frozen but it is really expensive and I hate to be cold!!
So what is left?
Life support and my coma playlist.
If I could spend eternity snuggled up nice and warm with my favorite tunes playing to my wandering spirit in the afterlife... well that is just a wonderful alternative.
Now people may think it's a little selfish, family and maybe friends would feel the need to visit or have no closure. Here is the closure... move on people... It's fine! Turn on ipod and leave the building.Books on tape.. a variety of music... dim lights and someone to take care of the eyebrows and any kamikaze whiskers....
Stick me in a home somewhere and have a funeral. Closure on demand... like cable but not really, at all.
Lou and I have discussed our funerals at length over the years. We have agreed that we both want the smallest church possible (so it looks packed-not an empty seat in the house). We both are requiring everyone to wear black (because Euro-trash is sexy). If you come, you must cry... we don't care in the who, why, what, where, when... think back to when you lost your Teddy Bear when you were 5.... just cry a little. We would like a couple of professional mourners in the back just to keep things moving.
Lou and I have a funeral pact. You may have a porn pact with a buddy (yes I have one of those too)... But I have a funeral pact with Louey.
Who-ever dies first... the other one must choose the optimum dramatic moment and throw themselves on the coffin, screaming "Take me with you!"
I've been to a lot of funerals over the years and I have created a short list of things I definitely want. I guess I would like to orchestrate the event from the grave as it were (or the nursing home- whatever). I've thrown a few successful themed events over the years, I'd like to at least have a hand in this particular farewell.
Hymns...
People? Really? The choice of hymns is just short of un-inspiring. I would like the hymns of my childhood (since I haven't been to church since). The waterloo junior school...morning assembly, where we sang 'Michael Row your Boat Ashore'; 'Morning has Broken'; ' All things Bright and Beautiful'; 'Onward Christian Soldiers' and my favorite...'The Calypso Carol'. (a reggae steel drum Christmas tune).
There is an old hymn book on my bookshelf somewhere... blue plastic cover... find it, dust it off... use it as a guide.
Marcy has a funeral song - that moves me every time I hear it... I believe that is widely known - I'd like that too.
Flowers...
Ok! None of this Bullshit about donating money in my name to some kid in hospital somewhere... I would like flowers... Many, many flowers. My whole life I have been a flower whore - please don't screw me now!! Jephry on Broadway is my favorite. The man is a genius and knows what I love! I like abstract... I like monochromatic arrangements or I like 2 dramatically opposing colors. I like dried wheat and Scottish Thistles... I like clean lines of glass and mood setting pieces. I like the unconventional - mood inspiring - thought provoking encounters of the floral kind. I like Calla Lillies when used unexpectedly and yet simply to reflect their delicate form and strong structure.
I do not like Roses... of any kind. I do not like flowers in plastic - like a serial killer who has decided to claim his signature as ...' Smothered by Plastic'. I do not like Birds of Paradise, anything prickly and I cannot abide anything that looks like it tried too hard to be unique. (If you have ever sent me roses and I claimed to like them... I am sorry... (Note:we are not together. end note.))
Prayer Card
No prayer Card for me. I don't want the dates of birth - death - coma ...whatever, on a card with a prayer and a picture. I don't know what date it is today - I don't know the date of my own Mothers birthday... dates and times are just not for me. Arrangements should be made with a time spread and begin when everyone gets there... like Greek time. That would make me Happy.
Instead of a prayer card - I would like funeral favors. A little pay it forward action. If I could impact anyone's life or leave something behind it would be...
Always pay the toll for the car behind you... it is such a small gesture with such a big impact.
For the road rage folk .... I would like those people to take a memorial card that says... "Maybe his wife is in Labor"; "Maybe her kid called with an emergency"; "Maybe He just got fired from his job"; "Perhaps that one girl she has been chasing, just sent her a text and said.... Come Over... I'm naked".
So instead of a Memorial/Prayer Card... How about a picture of me hanging upside down from the point street bridge with a directive to pay the toll and a few inspirational... 'they did not cut you off because they are assholes or because they personally hate you' words, to carry with them. My death, may indeed add years to their life!
I want one wild card slipped in there... one that says.. If she were ever to make her own porno - she wanted to call it "Smoke and Mirrors" - you know - just for laughs. I apologize ahead of time if it is your granny that pulls that one...
Finally...I have always envisioned my headstone as a statue of a tall Amazon Woman in a running pose, her hair streaming behind her. On the base I want my favorite quote of all time.
"Wild Women Don't Get The Blues"
Please don't put the statue by the nursing home...Oh and please... PLEASE... include the cause of death (even if it reads 'Eternal Coma'). There is nothing more frustrating than walking around a cemetery saying..."Wonder what happened to him?"
Please let me remind you, that Amazon Women removed their right breast as a standard practice - to enable them to throw Javelin and in order to not hinder their Archery skills. The Statue should be reflective.I would have been proud to have joined the many ranks of historic amazons and modern day survivors, had it been required. I am so very proud of all the women out there fighting for their lives and making amazonian forfeitures. You frequent my heart.
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