Since I am selling a car and in the market to buy a new one – the process sets my mind back to all the other cars I have owned since the day the British Government gave me a driver's license and sent me on my merry way to get completely lost at any and all opportunities. My new swanky GPS helps, but she seems to like the scenic route too.
I was once the proud owner of a dark blue Honda Accord. Her name was "Betty Blue". For those who don't know… Betty Blue gouged her own eye out of its socket with a spoon… all in the name of love. My "Betty Blue" alas, also came to a tragic end.
Betty was souped up – she had all the trimmings – the only thing she didn't have were leather seats. All of her accoutrements whizzed and hummed – she was the one car in which I, yes the grandma driver, actually got speeding tickets!
I was working for a technology company and handled all of the Government accounts in Austin Texas….Yeehaw! Therefore it was required that I travel once per quarter to my 2nd favorite City in the USA… Anywhere there is a lesbian bar that promotes a "Bring Your Own Meat Night" has to be in the top three – right?
And so it was…. my quarterly trip to the music and crawfish capitol!
Flying out of Boston's Logan airport, I decided to drive in the night before and have my best friend (who luckily lived in vicinity) drive me to the airport and keep my car for the week – since, at that juncture she was without a vehicle.
My week went great! I landed some deals and signed a couple of new contracts that would bring the company a couple of million in revenue, Sweet!! My Government clients threw the biggest Bar-B-Q (I had ever seen) in Zilker Park. They hitched a smoker to the back of a truck and drove it on in… it was crazy!! Everything really is BIGGER in Texas.
One of my clients was an ex-rodeo clown. He took me to an event that everyone should see once in a lifetime… Rodeo clowns are not to be messed with. Those guys are tough… Shit… there aren't words to describe them – they are the ultimate cowboys…. When their bodies give out I guess they become purchasing agents or something similar. It's a sad end for these macho studs… but hey, we all gotta pay the bills somehow.
I hit the "Bring Your Own Meat Night" and watched with awe at the big old dykes two stepping around the dance floor… I still wish I could do that! I strolled up and down 6th Street – I sunbathed naked at Hippie Hollow and bargained with myself about whether or not to move there. The ultimate deciding factor was the fact that my hair just refused to behave in the heat – so fuck that… at least in New England – it's only unruly for 2 months or so….
I was sad to leave but happy to be coming home….
Safely back on the ground in Boston, I walked through the double doors and spied my beloved Betty Blue parked by the curb… Life was good!
Leaning against her shining drivers' side door was someone I will love till the end of time….
I'm not sure what to call her – since "she" is now a "he" and my gender references are all fucked up… Ah, the joy of having a best friend who is Transgendered!!!! It's a whole other story and one I will eventually get to – but in the interim… my memories are split…. There are those where I think "she" and those where I think "he"…. It can get confusing – especially when telling stories from the past!
For the sake of this story – I will call her BB, Big Bell…. Since it's a combo of two nicknames and will work for my purpose… (it seems only right that the car and Big Belle have the same initials). I guess I will come to a better description when I finally get to "his' story… anyway, I digress…..
BB is leaning up against the drivers side of Betty Blue… she (weird to even type that)…. She, lights up when she sees me and immediately takes my bags and fusses over me. The car is immaculate... she points out that Betty has had an oil change and has been cleaned inside and out! I am totally impressed… gotta love the butch girls for taking care of these mechanical things!
I am oohing and ahhing over how great Betty looks…. The sun is shining so Betty's windows and sunroof are open to the world – we take off with the wind whipping through the car and the country channel playing on the highest volume setting it will go.
Me and Big Bell tear up Boston. Of course I have a million Tex Ass stories to share with her…
Finally, I begin my trek home to Lil Rhody. It's after dark and the New England chill is setting in… I close up Betty Blue and hit the heat. That's when it strikes me….. I was psyched and grateful that Big Bell had cleaned my car , yet at the same time it was a little odd – since she wouldn't usually go to all that trouble…. Hmmmmmm, something was fishy and speaking of fish…..
"What the Fuck is that SMELL???"
Betty Blue had a definite odor. It was weird, one you couldn't really put your finger on. The smell was mixed in with the pine tree air freshener hanging from my rearview mirror, so that was the first thing to get hocked ….. I spent a week spraying the car with aerosols of any description….. Finally I broke down and called the third in our trio… SueBee….
"Hey, I have a question for ya"
"Shoot"
"It's a weird one"
"OK"
"You know BB had my car last week"
"Yeah"
"Well, it smells funny"
SueBee – managed to keep her composure but I could hear the suppressed laughter in the voice.
"It does?"
"Did BB have sex in my car?"
"Um, huh… I um, don't know"
"Yes you do! I think BB had sex in my car with Dumb Debbie"
"You think there was room… I mean Dumb Debbie is a big girl"
"Don't get funny with me! They did, didn't they? I know you know, so you may as well just tell me"
"Well, what does it smell like?"
"You want me to be technical?"
"Not really but I confess to being a little curious…"
"It smells like old ladies stale pantyhose"
"Ewwwww"
"Ewww is fucking right and nothing is killing the damn smell"
"I thought she cleaned it for you"
"SUUEEEEE…. I knew it! They did didn't they?"
"Um, I um… I really don't know. I think you should just call Bell and ask her"
"You chicken shit! You better answer your phone, I'll call you back"
The next call was to Big Bell
"Hey"
"Hey"
"What's up?"
"Not much, just got this funny smell in my car I can't get rid of"
Long pause
"You do?"
"Did you have sex in my car with Dumb Debbie?"
BB buys time with expletive outbursts as she tries to gather her game plan.
"What? Are you crazy? You have a smell and you want to know if I had sex with Debbie"
"I see you're not answering my question"
"I did not have sex with that woman in your car"
"Yes you did"
"No I didn't"
"Yes you did"
"I can't believe you, you've gone stark raving mad. What does it smell like?"
"BB, it smells like old ladies stale pantyhose"
"Ewwwww"
The call waiting beeps in, BB says...
"It's SueBee, lemme call you back"
"Don't you dare answer that call… I know why she's calling you – you guys are in this together"
"I did not have sex with Dumb Debbie in your car!"
"BB, why did you clean my car within an inch of it's life?"
"Um, um… um… because I, um, thought it would be a nice thing to do?"
"Are you asking me or telling me?"
"I cleaned it Nik. There's no way it smells"
"You SON OF A BITCH! You did!"
"We fooled around a little, we didn't technically have sex"
"AAARRRGGGHHHH…….. BB, my car stinks! It's got Dumb Debbie juice in the upholstery and it won't come out!"
There's no talking to her since she sounds like she is having an asthma attack and can't breathe…. Apparently she thought it a whole lot funnier than I did in that moment.
Her disjointed responses were
"I swear I…" laughing "tried to" trying to catch her breath "clean" laughing some more "I thought" wheezing "it would come out" hysteria….
"BB, I'll call you back"
I hang up and call SueBee. She answers on the first ring, apparently anxious to know how it's going down...
"Hi"
"You knew she did"
"Well, I didn't wanna be the one to…"
"I'm gonna kill you guys! Sue… it stinks"
"It is kind of funny though…"
"Why does it smell so bad?"
"That I can't help you with – the girl is nasty"
"That's reassuring, thanks"
"I didn't mean…"
"Never mind, never mind… I'll call you back"
I call BB back, she has regained a little composure…
"Dude, I'm sorry"
"BB, I don't want to know the details but where was Debbie sitting in the car… Passenger seat? Back seat? Where?"
"You really wanna know? I don't think you wanna know…."
"Ugh, you are so nasty!"
With that I gave up on the details. I really didn't want to know the exact location, positions or activities of Dumb Debbie in my car.
Betty Blue was cleaned so many times and no matter what… the instant you put on the heat… there she was… Dumb Debbie in all her finery… by the end of the ordeal I felt like I had dated Dumb Debbie too!!
Betty Blue had to go. It really was that bad! She was sold at auction and some poor soul is out there, right now, driving her around asking themselves……
"What is that SMELL?"
BB loves to tell this story!! Every time, without fail he… I mean she… says "I'll explain why she was dumb in a moment". To which my retort is always…. "No explanation necessary. I mean, she was dating you wasn't she? Enough said!"
BB…. You set yourself up for it, I don't feel bad, not even a little… the whole damn affair cost me a car….. and Dumb Debbie wasn't even good in bed!!
I would please like a moment of silence for Betty Blue. She was a good girl until she was mercilessly violated against her will!!
Car Borrowing Etiquette is as follows:If you are going to have sex in a friend's car make sure the basic rules of hygiene are followed and if that seems like too much trouble at the very least put down a towel.
Common Sense Rule 4.
Know when you are flat busted and just come clean…. So to speak!
Christmas Shopping Tip
$100.00 for a car detailing gift certificate goes further than you could ever imagine.
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Dear SM,
ReplyDeleteGreat story and inspiration for a brandnew lickers theme.