TWENTY TEN
Goodbye 2009. Without one jot of sorrow we counted down "Ten, Nine, Eight". Not that it has been a terrible year, it's just been a challenging year an eye opening year. "Seven, Six, Five" I have a profound respect for people who live with chronic pain and get out of bed anyway. "Four, Three" My personal flaws require a little more self awareness. "Two" Depression is insipid, it claws away at everything and everyone around you. "One" Never underestimate the power of love, good friends and family... There are people who will traverse every valley with you even if you don't want them to.
This year I asked Santa if he could deliver me the undeliverable.
"Dear Santa, Can you please just make me feel better for Christmas?"
After 5 months on this merry go round of doctors appointments, I think I'm actually turning a corner. Christmas Eve in the ER was fun and Christmas Day had its moments but since then every day seems to feel a little bit better. Hopefully my body is purging itself of whatever the hell this thing is.
I do not profess to understand much of the last five months but I do want to say "Thanks, Santa!"
I have managed my depression for 20 years. Some years I have had a good handle on it. anti-D's that work, an active gym membership, good diet, passion, hobbies and good friends... Other years aaarrrghhhh. How come we can always find more to say about the shitty stuff in life? I could write volumes about the not so well managed years!
The solitude of a rural life is tranquil until it becomes a beautiful prison. Then it becomes stark isolation. Having to rely on other people for your basic needs becomes a fiery anger that burns...
Personal Flaw Number One: I make a lousy patient
Being sick and not knowing why plays mind games with you. Maybe I really am crazy...
Personal Flaw Number Two: I always have to be capable and in control
Please Pardon my example but:
The Dike sprung a leak and there was no little Dutch boy to put his finger in the damn. Once the walls start to crumble, well.... they start to crumble.
Then the fucker had me again! Which, isn't such a bad thing - not this time. It becomes easier to recognize as the years go by. It doesn't matter which hat or coat the depression tries to disguise itself with... I see through the George Michael sunglasses - I know who you are.
And so.... we seek help, because depression and I cannot part ways without help.
I just started therapy to help me and Doomsday break up yet again and I really like my counselor though I'm not thrilled with the teachings of existentialism in a group therapy setting for depression "You are alone.... You are born alone... You die alone.... You singularly hold personal responsibility for your life and choices in the here and now" Sounds kinda depressing doesn't it? Ok, so I'm poking fun. The concepts are fine if you are trying to enlighten people to realize their personal power and to the fact that they have complete freedom to choose who they are in that moment - that they are not governed by history or by the identity they believe has been handed to them based on a lifetime of events - that in real time may only add up to about a week in x number of years.
The downside to teaching a simplified version of a more complex theory is like prejudice... you give people a little information, it's open to interpretation, it gets mangled and misused. My favorite pastime is listening to people quote the bible to support all kinds of Bullshit beliefs... there is something to be said for 'Ignorance is Bliss'.
I personally come from the Village Theory. Yah there is a joke in there about gay men in feathers.... I believe we are all connected, we are all intrinsically the same. Not that I like you people, but still... who really 'likes' their family? We are not alone, you are not alone... and if you ever feel like you are - my door is always open.
Personal Strength Number One: Humanity
Personal Strength Number Two: Compassion
It takes a villages to raise a child... and a few line dances to teach us all that its ok to look stupid sometimes.
I fear if I was straight up with doctors and therapists about some of my beliefs they truly would think I was crazy and lock me up - without passing GO. UFO's, psychics, re-incarnation....
Raised beneath the arms of a Georgia Pine... Oh sorry that's Zac Brown... I was raised in an atmosphere where looking good was critical... I don't know what I thought would happen if you didn't look good, but I knew it wasn't 'good'.
As such, my appearance has always been important to me. Not in the I will hover over every mirror in self admiration (yuck) but I'm not a run to the grocery in slippers and curlers kind of girl. Since I burned my face I don't like to go out much, I do have anxiety and even now - I know it doesn't look that bad but I am self conscious about social situations and about being judged. The weight gain doesn't help - I keep bitchin saying I've gone up 2 dress sizes - it's more like 1 and really, that's the least of my problems right now....
"I'm really anxious about going out tonight, I really don't want to go"
"What do you feel anxious about"
"I'm paranoid about my face, my speech gets screwed up, I haven't seen these people in like six months, I've gained weight, I feel like shit"
"So..."
"I'm gonna go"
"Good. You need to go. It is important to face your anxiety"
It didn't really go like that - but get the drift... therapist says... hey dumb shit - face your fears... only way to overcome social anxiety is ... DRUMROLL PLEASE.... be social... Right, right!
Off we trot, good little doobies... Pull into the parking lot ...BAM... car pulls in beside us and it's only one of my closest friends and another friend from our social group. We walk in the door... BAM... the person on the door who was not supposed to be there... also a good friend. Ok, this is getting easier. My N squared love affair shows her face (not wearing a cranberry sweater). There are no other people I would have rather brought in 2010 with.
We dance, laugh, sing Proud Mary waaaay too loud... I turn my girl and say "I'm really glad we came out tonight, this is awesome".
Do you feel the shoe? Should I talk more about all the fun or just cut right over to the bad apple?
Well since I'm there already... Pillow Fluff - this apology is for you...
Let's recap.
Haven't been out to the gay bar much in all of 2009 and have barely left the house in 5 months. I live with someone - who accompanied me on the journey from 2009 to 2010. I'm taking medication that affects the enzymes in my liver so my alcohol tolerance in exceedingly low - therefore I consumed 2 drinks and 1 and 1/2 shots all night - mixed with a couple of sodas and a bottle of water. I danced with EVERYONE on the dance floor, I laughed and talked to the people around me and I think I went outside for 3 cigarettes. (Oh, and I peed twice).
End recap
I grabbed my cigarettes and headed for the patio. The cold air was the most amazing feeling after coming out of the hot and sweaty dance club. The snow made the usually grubby smokers paradise look clean and fluffy.
I was just taking a minute to myself thinking what a great night it had turned out to be. This is the part where I question peoples humanity, this is where I wonder what goes through peoples' minds when they decide to impart an unsolicited opinion on someone standing alone. Had I been with a group of friends would she have approached me? I doubt it. Bully's like to inflict their meanness when they perceive themselves to be in a higher position of social power.
This older, unattractive, slob of a woman sneered into my face
"You need to get your life together"
Huh?
What?
Surely she isn't talking to me. I have no earthly idea who she is
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me, you need to get it together"
I was just shell shocked... stuck to the spot...
"Do I know you?"
"I know you"
Then she said my name and I was like, what the fuck??? Panic on the dance floor? What?
"What's your name?"
"Linda, I knew you ten years ago and you need to sort your life out"
With that she walked away.
Anxiety, Panic, Anger... Fight or Flight? Fuck this, fuck her.... I was just outraged with disbelief that someone would just be so apparently mean for no reason... so I went in pursuit.
"I think you have the wrong person"
Her friend started to apologize for her behavior and she screamed at her
"Don't fucking apologize for me, she knows who I am"
"I have no idea who you are and you don't know the first thing about me. You don't know where I live, what I do for a living, you don't know if I have children"
"You don't have any kids and I don't need to know, I know enough about you"
Nasty knickers sneered at me.
She kept trying to get in my face, re-iterating that she knew me ten years ago and the nickname she called me by is one that very few people use.
"Linda, what is your last name?"
"That's not important"
"Really? But it's important for you to tell me to get my life together when I have no idea who you are - you say you knew me ten years ago - ten years ago, my mother had breast cancer, ten years ago I was raped, ten years ago I cut off my hair with a bic razor and walked into a doctor's office and said please help me or I will kill myself"
Security began to hover
"You are using my childhood nickname that doesn't come with the nicest baggage in the world but you can't tell me your last name?"
I proceeded to tell her my entire full name, my full address (with zip code) and my phone number - which has been the same for 15 years - courtesy of crazy Susan- thank you.
"I am a bank manager, I am a landlord, I own multiple properties, I have 3 awesome dogs, I have a girlfriend I live with. Do you see my big fat belly? I could be someone's mother. I am listed in the phone book and I have nothing to hide from you or the rest of the world and yet you still can't tell me who you are".
At this point I had a cheering section. I believe it was security who said - "Good for you Girl!"
(I failed to mention I'm on crazy meds for depression and have been sick for half the year - never mind being financially drained - foreclosures - tax issues - so in one sense - she's right...I do need to get my life together)
I walked away - as she tried to accuse me of being a drunk mess... just stupid. Funny thing is if she had attacked me when I wasn't alone, I probably would have let it go. The worst thing you can do is attack me when I feel vulnerable, feral cat syndrome.... not a good idea
Personal Flaw Number 3
Feral Cat Syndrome
Personal Strength Number 3
Feral Cat Syndrome
Now if we were sharing unsolicited opinions about each other's lives... I hear the biggest loser might be looking for new contestants and Queer eye for the straight guy might go out on a limb and take on a one off episode featuring old, angry, homely lesbians for fashionable transformations... but I'm pretty sure she has a mirror - though the magic may have faded - it's still a mirror.
OOOps - there is my looking good conditioning....
Linda, you go ahead honey and look as homely as you can and let that mean spirit just hang right out and suffocate whatever beautiful untainted soul you brought with you into this world - existentialist theory teaches that you get to be exactly who you want to be in the here and now and wow - you really succeeded ( in at least that exercise). I'll keep my 1-800 Jenny comments to myself.
Ladies
If you have a belief about something that would drive you to approach a stranger and take a stand - Have the fucking balls to say - this is who I am and this what I believe. Otherwise.... Shut the fuck up.
MFCC!
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