World suicide prevention day is Sept 10th (every year). I wasn’t aware of that.
Irony has always been my friend.
9/10/10
My last meal wasn’t a turkey dinner or sushi followed by crème brulee….it was a tobelerone, chocolate milk, half a bottle of scotch, a mix of aspirin and advil gel caps which I then topped off with 32 over the counter sleeping “aids“.
Either that combination is not lethal or I have the constitution of a large herd of wild horses. Don’t try this at home because I personally am gravitating towards the latter.
Instead of putting me into the restful eternal sleep I thought I desired, it sent me into a paranoid state of hallucinogen which wasn‘t as much fun as people who have dropped LSD claim it to be. Shit, that shit was awful! I was being chased… there were dogs, flash lights, helicopters, cops, groups of no-good judgmental (ex) friends… chasing me all over Oakland beach and subsequent neighborhoods. Man, it sucked!
What sucked worse than the horrendous hallucinations was that I left my shoes in the car.
I was barefoot , running for my life (the one I was trying to abdicate) for about…. Ooooohhhh 10 to 12 hours. The good part (in perspective) was that the particular combination I chose to end my life with, in fact, must have caused a zero pain elevation of being , since I felt no pain and had managed to run, hide and climb as I acquired an unfathomable amount of splinters, pieces of glass and god knows what embedded in my feet. I could barely walk for weeks.
I could go on for pages about the whole event but really, who wants to talk about these things? No-body, that’s who. You learn this as a crash course if you ever go through such an event. No, I’m here to talk about “The Note”…. The final instructions, the final most important message you “think” you need to leave as your legacy.
My note began with references to Edie Izzard. Who, by the way, is a British Drag Queen comedian. As I was contemplating ending my life apparently it was IMPERATIVE that I ponder, wish and hope that Mr Izzard writes his own material.. Yeah, it was that important to me that I discussed it for the first third of my intended suicide note.
As I re-read this morbid document, it is hysterical to me that I really wanted to talk about his bit “The meek shall inherit the earth”…. because if they truly were “meek” we could take it away from them and they would say “Oh! You want it? Well since we are meek I suppose that would be ok with us”.
Really, how is one supposed to start a suicide note? It seemed completely appropriate to me at the time.
Now, if I were to do it again … that would be an entirely different matter altogether…. And as someone recently pointed out to me “ You popped your own cherry, you should now be a pro at this”. Hmmmm, good point, I don’t suppose many people get a “re-write” opportunity.
My re-write would not include declarations of love and ego boosts to people I “think” would be hurt by my self imposed demise…. Hell, No! This time it would be way more ego-centric…. Fuck you and I’m great… as opposed to I’m sorry, you are amazing, check out this comedian and feed the dogs….
I think this time I would begin my note with…
“I was once asked if I would go head first or feet first”
And for that, I will love you till the end of time… my friend of the heart and the sleeping pill.
xoxo
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