Relationships and I are fighting. We have been fighting for as long as I can remember. I often wonder if they only work out for the people who are willing to settle for companionship that lives in the heart of mediocrity or if they simply don’t work out for the people whose expectations were fed to them on a fairy tale coated silver spoon.
I’m afraid I fall completely into the second category. Yes, this “Americanized Cynical Brit” bought the fairytale. Hook, Line and Goddamn Sinker.
What is this relationship thing we speak of? Two people who commune in the same space, use the same sink to spit out their mouthwash and agree to grow old together? It doesn’t sound all that great to me. If it were sold as a lifetime of adventure and laughter with someone who loves every little fucked up thing about you… now we are starting to have a conversation my ears are perking to.
A friend recently wanted my views on relationships. Do they last? Are people really happy? Do couples ride out the long, hard, shitty periods to be rewarded by the soul filling golden years we are promised by every ..Hollywood.. blockbuster gracing the big screen? It was too big a question for me to answer. I tried… Boy! Did I ever…
As my mouth moved and the sound of my own voice swirled around and into my ‘shell like’, I realized I had no fucking idea! It sounded like hopeful rhetoric, even to me.
As I look back on my serial monogamy years, I have regrets. There are some relationships I shouldn’t have stayed in for one minute; I really should have stood in a puddle during a lightening storm longer. Some I wish I had stuck out, forgiven more and not bailed so quickly. They say you ‘just know’ when you meet that one person who is gonna reach in and string fairy lights around your heart… Well, I have had maybe 3 of those moments…That moment when I ‘just knew’,
but they didn’t bloody last did they? So where does that leave me…? Spewing unproven theories to a young ‘un that I don’t want tainted by the jade I have in my pocket.
The relationships I regret the most are the ones I was afraid to pursue. The ones I feigned ambivalence towards, the ones that ignited my vulnerability and just royally pissed me off. How can ordinary people touch the core of your soul and never know it?
It makes me wonder… If I have people living in my psyche that have touched my heart and changed my life without them ever knowing the impact of our worlds colliding, are there people out there that feel the same about me? That’s a funny concept… I can’t even begin to imagine.
What is it I really want out of this living experiment? I want the BOOM! The big love, the quiet simplicity of eyes meeting across a room and the surety of knowing…
Where is that? Can you find it on e-bay?
My neighbor came for breakfast this morning… her sister and boyfriend are apparently fucking like rabbits. They can’t keep their hands off each other. These Heathens go grocery shopping and somewhere between the frozen foods and the dairy section they just ‘HAVE’ to have each other… they whip out to the car, bring it on home and casually stroll back into the store to resume their price comparison of ground beef by the pound.
On that note, I think I need some creamer… Hmmm, the only question left: "Shaws or Stop n Shop?"
Bread
Butter
Milk
Eggs
Fuckin Like Rabbits
Frozen Peas
Corn
Ground Beef
xoxo
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