America Runs on Dunkin

So I had an idea for a reality TV show, which is kind of ironic since I don’t watch TV. Not at all. Nothing; Nada; Zip… Unless… I come over your house. Then you’ll find I’m absorbed, like a kid raised on an island that has never seen roller-skates or eaten a candy bar. Yup, you better switch off the tube if you want to have any decent interaction with me. Remote in hand, secretly searching for the country music video station… I swear, it’s a mini movie every 3 minutes… perfect for someone with a low attention span, Awesome!!! I love the serial killer stuff too. Those real crime TV shows are also a big attention grabber… “But Officer, please… you don’t understand… that bitch had it coming”.

Side Bar: It keeps coming up in conversation… I would be a big nasty cry-baby if I got arrested and had to go to court. However, I’m pretty convinced, once I was “in the joint” I’d handle myself pretty well. In fact it’s a secret fantasy of mine to get sent away… It’s a free Olivia land cruise for lesbians and if you have a uniform fetish… well, sigh… need I say more? Lookit, the girls ain’t going anywhere and hell isn’t prison like womens college where everyone is gay till graduation?

It has been said, (for reasons we shall not get into) that I could get a date anywhere there was a State Penitentiary.

I can see me running my game. I’d have the cigarette racket down, the heavy’s, the protection, the hair dye hookup not to mention a mini tattoo parlor. My only request would be that if I went down, my friend Gemma would have to go down with me… my right hand woman. She’d get those bitches in line lickety split and there would be plenty of time for her specialty… lickety split (ahem). Even a gangsters Moll gets a day off!

My sweet dream, no mortgage, no taxes, no grocery bill and women by the dozen at my disposal… Playboy Mansion PSHAW!

End Side Bar.

I never get to see it – but once it’s on (Television) it pulls me into the screen and holds me there in a semi conscious coma… it’s multi-media overload. When I eventually pull myself away from your media packaged brainwashing, that costs you daft amount of dollars every month… I get mad. Mad at myself for getting suckered in, mad because it is hours of my life I can never re-coup… of course I can spend ten hours on facebook and myspace… but that’s my poison and we’ve all got one.

This whole religious freedom thing has got me intrigued. America was shocking for me at twenty. I had never heard religious radio or seen religious programming. I really thought it was a dramatic phenomenon that Hollywood incorporated into movies because movies were FICTIOUS… Nope! Boy, was I wrong!

Trust me, I really was THAT naïve. The first time I saw the klu klutz klan on TV, I thought it was a joke. They were sitting there all ‘nonchalant like’… guests on a daytime TV talk show, if you don’t mind. Come on? It had to be a joke – with the white robes and the white hood? It was pure insanity and WHO in their right mind would let these idiots on a talk show and what grown man was gonna don that get-up on National Television?

I mean, I knew the KKK was part of history with the burning crosses and all that – but I truly believed it was history like the Spanish Armada or the Battle of Hastings… Hailey’s Comet… the list goes on and on – in my own pea brain… the KKK was on the list with all these things… terrible crappy things that happened throughout history like the Holocaust – but NOPE… there they were – bold as brass in living color on my TV screen (back when I used to watch TV that is).

So ok, America is obsessed with Religion, Cults, Serial Killers and Reality TV… I have a fully functioning idea that will blow the other reality TV shows out of the water.

I want to infiltrate religions – with a spy cam.

Come on …. Think about it… It’s bloody BRILLIANT!

You (The American fast food, drive through thinkers) can sit home partaking in your favorite pastime and evaluate which religion fits your lifestyle best. I will even let you vote religions “off the Island” by sending a text message to a pre-determined 900 number that will allow me the kind of ‘Religious’ freedom I myself am in search of… The Almighty Dollar!!

Myself and the Moll of my choosing, will go underground in variety of organized cults and religions. The Moonies, Buddhists, Hare Krishna’s, Jew’s, Catholics, Protestants, Jehovah’s Witness, Wiken, Rastafarian, Unitarian, Scientology…. The list is endless.

Did you know….Raelism is one of the top 10 cults and is founded on the religion and beliefs of UFO’s. Weird way to put it, if you ask me. Shouldn’t it be based on Extra Terrestrials NOT on the space craft they fly down in to come visit us? Hmmmm… I wonder if Smoky and the Bandit founded a religion would it be based on 18 wheelers and Mack Trucks??

“Breaker, Breaker… 1, 9. Smokey Bear Ahead… Over and Out”

Heaven’s Gate… Need I say more? There is an introduction video on youtube. It begins with this statement… “Planet Earth, about to be recycled. Your only chance to evacuate… is to leave with us” combined with some weird sound track about riding your bike of a hill trying to fly…. WHAT? It’s completely NUTZ! Is it a recycled version of the Bumblebee flies anyway?? Hey, but don’t take my word for it….. In my reality TV show, you get to decide for yourself, you can vote them off or keep them for later evaluation in the ‘Top 10’!

I saw what you people did with Sanjaya on American Idol… I really think Heaven’s Gate has a good shot and coming out on top!!

If you know anything about me, you know episode one starts with a good look at the Church of the Latter Day Saints. It will amuse me to no end because true blue American’s will never tolerate a religion that doesn’t allow for Cigarettes, Coca-Cola, Coffee and an Excess of Red Meat.

Mormons get voted off the island first, because they don’t drink coffee and we all know “America runs on Dunkin….”


Please text your ideas for future reality shows to 1-900-sparklesmagee


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