Top three straight girl voice mails of 2008….
I have stellar reputation for not answering the phone or listening to voicemails.
99% of my voicemails begin like this:
"I know you're probably not going to listen to this …."
I'm usually in the persons company by the time I actually check my messages or I have either bumped into them at the grocery store or the bar where they are more than happy to fill me in on the highlights of why they called in the first place.
Gay chicks don't seem to care so much – but STRAIGHT GIRLS…. OMG!! Now those chicks care on a grand scale. They hate it when you don't listen to the "OH", so important shit they have to say. I have finally come to the conclusion that there is a creativity happening out there in the world and these chicks falsely believe if they make the voicemails bizarre or kooky enough – I will actually depress the number 1 key on my phone just to hear the nutty things they leave in the recording land of telephony.
My top three straight girl voicemails so far of 2008 – pretty much went like this:
1. BURGER QUEEN… Have It Your Way
"Here's my advice – never date a man with a dead wife in the ground after 16 years of marriage – I don't even think she's in the ground – I think she's in the fucking attic… a lot can happen in 6 months – apparently you can go from loving someone to wishing they were dead…call me if you're single – I need to get out of this fucking condo"
Burger Queen leaves the best verbal recordings. My favorites are when she gets tired of being witty halfway through and announces:
"Ok I'm bored with this message – goodbye"
Literally middle of a sentence….
The BQ voicemail of 2008 is the update she left about the guy she'd been dating for 6 months. A widower with 3 children and a house furnished like a shrine to his late wife… Last time I talked to BQ all was well and they were cruising along the dating game – I had no idea they had broken up…. The voicemail above is pretty much verbatim!
2. SOUTHERN BELLE
"Hey Nik, I'm freaking out! I had unprotected sex last night and I think I'm pregnant. I know, I know….I'm going crazy but I can't get anybody to give me the morning after pill and I'm Super, SUPER Fly… TNT… going crazy and I thought you might be able to answer some questions, I don't know why… But I'm freaking, so talk to you later –Bye!"
My ex's sister – is a pseudo straight version of yours truly. Well… kinda… we have some personality traits that overlap. I get one or two voicemails a year – usually when she is in a desperate situation and wants to talk to someone who "gets" it and won't blink an eye at the bizarre crap she's done, said or gotten herself into….. or when her sister is drunk and convinces her it would be fun to call and harass me. That's when I get voted ON the Island!
This one almost got me in trouble…. (Tip: never drink fluids hot or otherwise – but especially hot liquids – whilst checking messages). Picture me in a professional environment… I'm standing in the middle of a training room – with my fellow trainees and our instructor – having just been dismissed for lunch – I think it's a good time to depress and hold the number 1 key and take a quick listen to see who loves me on this particular day.
The 1st message was 2 days old – and knowing who the caller was I probably should have waited before I took a big slug of my steaming hot cup of coffee….
Imagine the prettiest southern drawl – every word has at least six vowels to our one, despite the drawl – the message was quick and to the point. It sure as shit grabbed my attention along with the coffee I was now choking on!
The first voicemail was followed up by a message the next day (which of course, I listened to at the same time). It was a twofold effort to gain an immediate call back.
"Hey Nik, I solved my problem from last night – but I do have a question about a mortgage – and I need your professional opinion – if you could call me back I would really appreciate it. Talk you later – Bye!"
Now try the art of NOT explaining why you spit coffee all over the training room and laughed so loud - that everyone is looking at you. "Um, it's my ex-sister in law... she's calling a big dyke about women stuff - I wouldn't know anything about... Oh and the spitting - um yeah, the coffee really was THAT bad..." - It was far easier to just say sorry and walk away as I was praying they didn't hear any of the message .... sometimes it's hard to maintain professionalism!!
3. THE BOSTONIAN…Pahk the Cah in Hahvad Yahd
"Hmmm! Huh! Hmmm! Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah!.... Blah Blah! Blahblahblahblahblah….. Blah Blah Blah Blah! BLAH! BLAH! Blah? Blah? Blahblahblahblah blah blah….Fucking Blaaaaaah Blah Blaaaaaah blah blah blah? Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah!.... Blah Blah! BLAH? It's me, CALL ME!"
This chick is hysterical and I have loved her since she pointed her finger at me on the street and yelled "You! Yes, You! You are having dinner with me even if I'm paying… I wanna talk to you". No need for clarification, that is exactly who she is (and if she's paying for food, I'm eating).
"Bostonian", thought she could break me of my terrible phone skills. Coming from a large family with many sisters, they practically live on the phone with each other. The day we cemented our friendship – I confessed my phone problem. She promised to stalk me until I answered or returned her calls. It worked for a couple of months, she would redial so many times that eventually I would have to answer and I loved it! It was hysterical. Alas, I finally broke her… I mean you can only keep up that persistent intensity for so long before it just becomes more effort than it is truly worth! Sadly, she now leaves voicemails and waits for days until she calls back. Methinks I am a lost cause!!
Her voicemails are terrific! Funny, witty – taunting or guilting me into calling her back. I confess that when I look down and see I have a voicemail from Bostonian – I do call in quicker to see what recorded gift she has left for me.
I listened to the blah voicemail and of course got it immediately. She is compelled to leave a message knowing full well I won't check it in a timely manner – therefore her taunt for the day is blah blah blah. Saying something current will simply date itself, guilt trips won't make me call you back either – BUT…. If you can make me laugh or mock me enough…That is sure to get a return call!
Yes, each of these lovely ladies had their calls returned as soon as I hung up from the voicemails. Straights girls, got it going on… they know the game and they play it better than the rest of us!
BONUS VOICEMAIL NUMBER 4.
I know I said three and all from straight girls – but there is this one straight guy I have been friends with since my early twenties and since he is more butch lesbian girl than straight white guy…I just have to include my 4 am voicemail from last night – since I just listened to it and it set my day off with a chuckle….. Apparently the voicemail followed a text message that simply said "wake up" (at 4am – when I would usually still be conscious and doing shit).
His message was short, sweet and simple – and of course got the call back to say; What the fuck was that?
With his classic male sense of humor after listening to my voicemail asking callers to leave a message re: Home Equity Lines and Mortgages – his went like this, exactly!
"Yeah well, No I don't have a fucking mortgage question…. I have a COCK question"
Tip of the day
If you want to get my attention… TEXT me… and if you would rather leave a voicemail message make sure it's truly pee in your pants funny…. You can then expect an immediate response!
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