Current mood: hungry
Clicking my ruby red heels together – my minds mirror throwing me an image of Dorothy, Toto and a Bicycle……. Dammit, I have a South Beach attitude, I do, I do I do!!
It was a surreal moment: SueBee and I walking the shore line in South Beach, FL after getting naked full body massages on the beach from big buff handsome gay men… We weren't just people watching, we were scrutinizing the beach natives.
Approaching a volleyball game – we spy two teams comprised of the "plastic fantastics"… thong wearing, collagen injected blondes. Just one of many images that has been reluctantly burned into the sensory neurons of my brain.
A teammate was loudly harassing a fellow Barbie athlete, "Cindy, that's just NOT a South Beach Attitude".
Sue and I were in wholehearted agreement – Cindy was definitely not displaying a South Beach Attitude!! (It is possible that Cindy may have been overdue for a botox injection, which, as we all know… will never do!).
We looked at each other, we looked at them… we looked back at each other…. Each with our own version of the quizzical questioning expression, palms and shoulders shrugging upwards…. We dissolved into laughter at the pretentiousness and thus another catchphrase was born!!
THAT IS JUST NOT A SOUTH BEACH ATTITUDE
(Put the punctuation anywhere – the catchphrase works – trust me!)
I have struggled with weight issues, like so many women. Estrogen and hormones are not always kind. I feel guilty putting anything in mouth… (well almost anything). If I fall off the gym wagon – I mentally berate myself. Please God, why can't I just be naturally skinny?? I love the T-Shirt I saw recently in P-Town, "Dear God… If you can't make me skinny – please make my friends fat".
It feels like I haven't been to the gym in years – at the most it has been three weeks, realistically it's probably only two! And that is just NOT a South Beach Attitude! So this weekend I hit the gym with a vengeance. Back to back workouts – cardio, weights, stretching exercises… anything to quiet the guilt of the massive fault line below the equator.
Now, when I get on this OMG… 40 is gonna come knocking at my door and I don't know where my boobs are… moment, I get really, really hungry. I'm working out like a madwoman and my body is screaming feed me – meanwhile I'm convincing myself celery looks really, really good!!
Last night, I'm at the gym… texting like it's 2008 – between sets of 10/12 and kill me now. My wonderful text buddy is trying to entice me with pot-roast. It's 10pm, I have to get up at 5am to make my god-awful 2 ½ hour commute – but I'm starving.
Text: My pot-roast is really good, u sure u don't want any?
Text: U know I do. I can't. I'm at the gym and I have to get up at the crack ass
Text: I'm just putting the potatoes in now
Text: It's too late to eat, I can't
Text: I can leave my house in 20 minutes and do a drive by – drop off
Text: I'm a fat fuck and ur killing me
Text: U can eat it tomorrow. It's not fattening it's homemade and healthy
Text: AAArrrgggghhhhhh….. ok, u got me… see you at mine in a few
Now bear in mind that I live in bum fuck nowhere, so it is with pure dedication that anyone would make food for me and bring it over. It's 11pm by the time we're in the kitchen with Tupperware containers filled with pot-roast and hot bread!! For the love of god… why me??
I'm shuffling mail as I am inhaling the best meal I've eaten in a week. Mid forkful I am stopped by what can only be described as divine intervention.
Apparently someone notified "The Big Guy Upstairs" – that I had fallen off the diet wagon… he in turn notified Weight Watchers – who had sent me a piece of mail … stamped across the front of the envelope in big black bold letters was the phrase "LOSE WEIGHT FOR GOD".
I was incensed – surely there were bigger tragedy's going on in the world other than my participation in the remake of Baby got Back??
"What the hell??? Lose weight for GOD?? Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous? What kind of sales pitch is that? Has the world gone completely mad… really… you gotta look at this – like women don't feel bad enough, now we gotta throw religion into it?"
I threw the envelope at my friend in utter disgust….. she picks it up…
"Um, Nik…"
"Yeah?"
"It says, Lose weight for GOOD"
At which point she is keeled over on the floor – laughing her little size zero socks off!
I think my south beach attitude is finally getting to me…. Because even though I went on a mini rant… I confess the little voice in my head was wondering which religion was promoting weight loss. Despite my outward disgust I had mentally signed up to wearing black and spending some time on my knees… not much different than any other Saturday night, right?
I realize I have gone completely mad – so I do the only reasonable thing I can think of to do….
"Fuck it, wanna let off some fireworks??"
And with that…. The evening was alight with sparks – bangs and more screaming laughter…..
Thanks for the Pot-Roast, Babe, it was amazing!!!
Personal Tips for Healthy Eating
If someone else is prepared to make it … I'm prepared to eat it
If the big guy is sending me mail insinuating I could loose a few – I'm concluding the pearly gates gourmet doesn't carry my favorite food groups. Therefore, I'm keeping my pact with Beezlebub – I know he has molten chocolate cake – for sure.
Cheers! Here's to head and fireworks!!!
Currently listening : Melting POT Roast By The New Black Release date: 2003-09-16
It was a surreal moment: SueBee and I walking the shore line in South Beach, FL after getting naked full body massages on the beach from big buff handsome gay men… We weren't just people watching, we were scrutinizing the beach natives.
Approaching a volleyball game – we spy two teams comprised of the "plastic fantastics"… thong wearing, collagen injected blondes. Just one of many images that has been reluctantly burned into the sensory neurons of my brain.
A teammate was loudly harassing a fellow Barbie athlete, "Cindy, that's just NOT a South Beach Attitude".
Sue and I were in wholehearted agreement – Cindy was definitely not displaying a South Beach Attitude!! (It is possible that Cindy may have been overdue for a botox injection, which, as we all know… will never do!).
We looked at each other, we looked at them… we looked back at each other…. Each with our own version of the quizzical questioning expression, palms and shoulders shrugging upwards…. We dissolved into laughter at the pretentiousness and thus another catchphrase was born!!
THAT IS JUST NOT A SOUTH BEACH ATTITUDE
(Put the punctuation anywhere – the catchphrase works – trust me!)
I have struggled with weight issues, like so many women. Estrogen and hormones are not always kind. I feel guilty putting anything in mouth… (well almost anything). If I fall off the gym wagon – I mentally berate myself. Please God, why can't I just be naturally skinny?? I love the T-Shirt I saw recently in P-Town, "Dear God… If you can't make me skinny – please make my friends fat".
It feels like I haven't been to the gym in years – at the most it has been three weeks, realistically it's probably only two! And that is just NOT a South Beach Attitude! So this weekend I hit the gym with a vengeance. Back to back workouts – cardio, weights, stretching exercises… anything to quiet the guilt of the massive fault line below the equator.
Now, when I get on this OMG… 40 is gonna come knocking at my door and I don't know where my boobs are… moment, I get really, really hungry. I'm working out like a madwoman and my body is screaming feed me – meanwhile I'm convincing myself celery looks really, really good!!
Last night, I'm at the gym… texting like it's 2008 – between sets of 10/12 and kill me now. My wonderful text buddy is trying to entice me with pot-roast. It's 10pm, I have to get up at 5am to make my god-awful 2 ½ hour commute – but I'm starving.
Text: My pot-roast is really good, u sure u don't want any?
Text: U know I do. I can't. I'm at the gym and I have to get up at the crack ass
Text: I'm just putting the potatoes in now
Text: It's too late to eat, I can't
Text: I can leave my house in 20 minutes and do a drive by – drop off
Text: I'm a fat fuck and ur killing me
Text: U can eat it tomorrow. It's not fattening it's homemade and healthy
Text: AAArrrgggghhhhhh….. ok, u got me… see you at mine in a few
Now bear in mind that I live in bum fuck nowhere, so it is with pure dedication that anyone would make food for me and bring it over. It's 11pm by the time we're in the kitchen with Tupperware containers filled with pot-roast and hot bread!! For the love of god… why me??
I'm shuffling mail as I am inhaling the best meal I've eaten in a week. Mid forkful I am stopped by what can only be described as divine intervention.
Apparently someone notified "The Big Guy Upstairs" – that I had fallen off the diet wagon… he in turn notified Weight Watchers – who had sent me a piece of mail … stamped across the front of the envelope in big black bold letters was the phrase "LOSE WEIGHT FOR GOD".
I was incensed – surely there were bigger tragedy's going on in the world other than my participation in the remake of Baby got Back??
"What the hell??? Lose weight for GOD?? Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous? What kind of sales pitch is that? Has the world gone completely mad… really… you gotta look at this – like women don't feel bad enough, now we gotta throw religion into it?"
I threw the envelope at my friend in utter disgust….. she picks it up…
"Um, Nik…"
"Yeah?"
"It says, Lose weight for GOOD"
At which point she is keeled over on the floor – laughing her little size zero socks off!
I think my south beach attitude is finally getting to me…. Because even though I went on a mini rant… I confess the little voice in my head was wondering which religion was promoting weight loss. Despite my outward disgust I had mentally signed up to wearing black and spending some time on my knees… not much different than any other Saturday night, right?
I realize I have gone completely mad – so I do the only reasonable thing I can think of to do….
"Fuck it, wanna let off some fireworks??"
And with that…. The evening was alight with sparks – bangs and more screaming laughter…..
Thanks for the Pot-Roast, Babe, it was amazing!!!
Personal Tips for Healthy Eating
If someone else is prepared to make it … I'm prepared to eat it
If the big guy is sending me mail insinuating I could loose a few – I'm concluding the pearly gates gourmet doesn't carry my favorite food groups. Therefore, I'm keeping my pact with Beezlebub – I know he has molten chocolate cake – for sure.
Cheers! Here's to head and fireworks!!!
Currently listening : Melting POT Roast By The New Black Release date: 2003-09-16
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