2nd Chances

Jan 22nd 2006


Life can be so crazy.

It's so hard to watch someone you love self destruct - taking their life and yours, apart - piece by piece... for apparently no reason at all.

Everybody spinning out of control - doing stuff you know is so totally wrong.
Now - so very long after all the madness, looking back on the journey and seeing everything as if for the first time and realizing that everything truly is for a reason.

Getting this true second chance to cherish the present everyday.

I never thought we would be back here - if I had a million dollars to put on red ... I wouldn't have done it - and yet it seems so freaking obvious now.

A second chance to understand a disease that dictates our life to us every day. A second chance to appreciate the gift of unconditional love. A second chance to check every step and every motive - to cherish the freedom of choice.

I choose you. Every day I choose you. Freely without pressure, fear or guilt. Without fear of repercussion.

Every day I am open to your choices - the gift greater than love - is the one I lay at your feet every morning - the gift of freedom.

I do not possess you but I am the keeper of your heart. We beat in sync - together or apart. As lovers or as friends. In this crazy life, no matter where we go, we have a surety that few people find.

Never have we been further apart that a phone call can make us. I have always been inexplicably sure of you - even in the craziest of times when this disease took you to the darkest places that seemed out of my reach... somewhere inside - I was still sure of you.

On my own rollercoaster of obsession, possession and jealousy ... masquerading itself as love ... I knew that when I needed your hand, you would reach out to me, without judgment - and you did ... over and over again.

Re-living my childhood cycles of pain and punishment - for reasons unknown. At what age do we stop trying to recreate that pain? It always ends in disaster doesn't it?

Every day - living in fear. Is today a good day? Is today going to be the worst day? How bad could it possibly be today? Scared of doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, not being the person someone else wants you to be. Oooh the power one can wield over another with outbursts and jealousy. Controlling where you go, who you see, who you talk to ... never wanting to bring that drama to someone else's door... You isolate - and contain. You manage every sentence - every suggestion. You try to talk about it to make it better and it only makes everything worse. You act out - to try to make that final blow out happen on your terms, when you are ready ... but that never happens. It always happens on their terms - when they are ready.

Now - in the aftermath ... the dust is clearing and I see you - as if we are in a war movie and we both survived the battlefield. You are in color as the world fades to shades of grey. We step toward each other; in time, in beat, in rhythm ... through the wounded we weave a path back to the place of second chances.

"I can't be the hero - if there's nothing to save and if you won't be my princess - I can't be your knave... "

"You write the words, I'll follow behind with the music and it don't matter now which one comes first.."

"I will reach out my hand because with you there is nothing I fear..."

Always my family, my love for as long as we both choose it. Always my hero, for chasing your demons and holding my hand whilst I chase my own.

Forever my friend - from this life into the next .... I'll see you when my chores are through baby.
If you should live 100 years I hope to live 100 years minus 1 day - so I never have to spend a day without you.


Friday, January 20, 2006

MM&B In that order and still in that order... and when I looked the moon had turned to gold...



Currently listening: Sings the Rodgers and Hart Song Book By Ella Fitzgerald Release date: By 20 May, 1997